I’ve posted many times my thoughts and beliefs on many different topics and subjects and I’ve taken this last break from writing to attempt to figure a few things out about myself. I think everyone should take time for personal reflection. We don’t know everything about anything, and most of us know even less about our own selves. Now, I know that most people wouldn’t throw their personal revelations out onto the Internet for general consumption by anyone, but, if you’ve been with me for a while, you know I’m nothing but different from most people. “Special”, I think my friends like to say. :-)
So, I’m going to do a few posts about my own personal revelations. I hope that there might be people that they help, or that they are entertaining at the least. If anything, maybe I can encourage you to seek your own revelations. They are always worth it.
I am broken. I know it.
It’s funny to me (Not funny HA HA, but funny weird) that my memories of my childhood are VERY vague and I really don’t have all that many of them. I talk with people all the time that have great memories of their childhoods. They can give details and specific times and whatnot. Not me. I’m fuzzy for most all of my early life.
My recent life? The trying times and things that I’ve been through? Those are most all crystal clear. Even the memories that I wish I couldn’t remember. Hmmm… I wonder.
Does that mean that I had an extremely boring childhood? Could be. I wasn’t a real bad kid. Sure, I got into trouble, what kid doesn’t? But I never really pushed the limits. I was contented to simply exist within my parent’s rules. At least, I think I was. I can’t really recall.
Does that make me broken? Certainly not. Maybe I’m just too lazy to recall those memories. Maybe I just don’t have a need, reason, or desire to recall them.
No, what makes me broken is how my mind and my spirit has taken the events in my life and twisted them. And I do mean that they’ve been twisted. I know that my reactions aren’t always what others would be in the same situation. I know that there are SO many walls and filters that have become my source for responses that it’s almost downright silly. Want an example? That’s easy. I’ll use one that just happened a little while ago.
I won’t go into details, but the gist is this. I can very easily walk away from someone, and STILL manage to stay attached and friendly to them. I don’t know many people that can do that. Either you are with them or you aren’t. But I’m very capable of being with someone and sharing a part of my life, and yet walk away in an instant.
I know that my relationships have suffered because of this. And I’m certain that a few of my friends shake their heads and wonder what the hell I’m doing. I guess it just seems that I don’t care. That after a certain point, my heart shuts off and I’m done.
I’m sure that the few people that really know me have spent their fair share of energy in digging to find that little nugget of real me. Despite what I present, I’m not a real easy person to get to know. Sure, you’ll find out about all the surface things and the World things that have happened in my life. I’ve presented many of them here. But do you know me because of that? Absolutely not. In fact, there are very few people that could anticipate my response to things. And even they are surprised sometimes.
Like I said…
I am broken. I know it. And, I’m OK with that.